My name is Samantha. I am a mom of 3 wonderful boys named Ian, Connor, and Gavin. Connor was born with 22q11.2 deletion, DiGeorge Syndrome, Velocardiofacial Syndrome (pick your name, I don't care what you call it, although I will refer to it as "22q" on this blog). When Connor was born I was a Captain in the Air Force. His healthcare needs did not make it easy for me to continue serving on active duty, so when he was 6 months old I left active duty.
Being a mother is hard. Being a working mother is hard. Being a working mother of 2 children when 1 has special needs was overwhelming for me. Oh, I hid it well. People thought I was amazing! But inside I was falling apart. I had lost myself in that world of medical jargon, tests, specialists, treatment rooms, therapies, and surgery waiting rooms. Nothing in my life mattered any more except making sure my son got what he needed. My other son was an after thought sometimes. My husband barely existed for me for some time. Not because of anything he did or didn't do. But, as a woman, my response was to turn all "mama-bear" and protect my young. My baby was hurting, I had to do something. I went to work, I cared for Connor, I cared for Ian, I tried to cook and clean, then I eventually went to sleep. Day after day.
Until one day, when Connor was about 10 months old, I knew that I had to find *me* again. I'm not sure exactly what made me wake up, but I'm thankful I did. I started going to the gym with some military guys I worked with. I remembered how much I actually enjoyed working out. I was hooked!
It wasn't easy. Connor was critically ill his first year. He was undiagnosed until 11 months old. His airway had multiple defects that made his breathing difficult. He had a swallowing disorder that made feeding him a nightmare. He was so underweight that I was waking him frequently to feed him. I was scared to let him sleep alone, but he was medically unable to safely cosleep, so I spent most nights holding him. I also spent many many MANY hours in the wee hours of the morning researching all the things wrong with him, trying desperately to find the underlying cause. Then when we did find his 22q, I spent many many MANY hours learning everything there was to learn about it. He didn't sleep, which meant I didn't sleep.
My gym buddies met at 6:30am, worked out for an hour, and got to work by 8am. I live 20 minutes away, and I needed to pump before I could workout. So I was up at 5am to pump, pack my gym bag, pack my lunch, and head to the gym. Then I'd workout, shower, dress, head to work, pump, work, pump and eat lunch, work, pump again, work some more, and eventually go home. Often I'd leave for appointments for Connor. When I wasn't at appointments with him, I was in constant contact with my husband talking about therapy appointments.
In so many ways it would have been easier to not workout. Surely I had no extra time or sleep to sacrifice. But something was tugging at me to continue.
When Connor was 14 months old I made a commitment to run my first race (my first race post college, anyway!). I signed up for the Air Force Marathon 10K that was 4 months away. Yes, I was insane. I had a training partner, and he and I would run together 3 days a week at 6:30am rain or shine.
That September I ran my first race. I made my own racing shirt and put a picture of my two boys on the back with the words "Why I Run" I had people mention to me how adorable they were. I explained to a volunteer at a water station that Connor had a syndrome, and I was running as a way to alleviate some stress. That was my first true awareness opportunity outside of my direct friends and family!
When I was entering the finish line chute at the end of the race, I found my husband and boys. I stopped running long enough to hug them. Right then I knew that I LOVED those three and I HAD to continue taking care of myself so I could better take care of them. My family needed me, they needed ALL of me. And one way I could be sure to give them my best was to make sure I first gave myself my best. Somewhere in this crazy world of special needs parenting, I had to continue finding the time to focus on me.
My name is Samantha, and I run for myself, I run for my family, I run for awareness.
Me and Connor, May 2012
